Touch

handshand on purplehand on orange
Touch, essence of life, from which all other senses spring, is a casualty of formality. Love’s darling, touch loses herself in her offspring, loses the bucket to the well of love’s air, waiting for breath, quietly talking as s’he waits to be breathed, quivering, alive.

We don’t touch each other enough. It gets lost in the shuffling dance of politeness and meaning. We don’t want to give the wrong impression, we don’t want to open ourselves to pain, or rejection. We fear germs. Too much intimacy weakens us. We prefer to keep things under control, with words and their polite walls.

Blogging takes touch away completely, starving already emaciated yearning even further. What I would give to touch the hand of some of the friends I have made here. Would it happen? Could it happen? Perhaps we can never meet, for that would give away all our secrets.

Touch is non-verbal. I’ve made a habit to hug all my friends whenever I part from them. Sometimes it feels awkward, since people aren’t accustomed to hugging much in this country. (Men in particular stick their butts out, so as not to touch crotches.) But I believe strongly in my hugging habit, my version of formal, ritual touch, since there is little other. I believe it can pass messages otherwise unspoken, or even un-thought. I believe it can heal.

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Intimacy

veach glines art, intimacy

Some kind of far and deep metamorphoses has been taking place in me the past few years. I’ve grappled with some of its details here on this electronic stage, in posts such as Flat Sex and Taboo Sex as Mythic Fuel.

Intimacy is a very different chemistry than sexual attraction. Men tend to fear intimacy. I know I do. I feel like I’m giving over my soul. No way. Sex is easier than love, by far, especially for men. And post orgasm rejection comes as easily as removing the condom.

In the long run, having sex is less important than intimacy. I know that seems obvious to many, but sex and its trappings in the gay world can create a quagmire of identity. To my surprise, I’m finding that a deeply felt connection can lead to beautiful and rewarding sexual experiences. But the walls of self protection and self deception are high and the foundations deep. The house is confused with the man.

The house metaphor carries through my life. I have always lived more clearly externally than internally. My soft, chewy center is well camouflaged by my friendly, affable exterior. I focus on the exterior to fulfill my desire to be accepted and loved, but my vulnerability remains hidden. And that exterior takes time to maintain. It becomes self perpetuating. The house becomes me. But I remain, the inner child wanting to play, the faerie struggling in a man’s world, the artist trying to shape chaos, experimenting, the boy fearing rejection by his father, by anyone, the explorer wanting to wander and get lost, to find new lands.

I’m finding that just allowing myself to know these intimate personas is the greater battle. Looking in the mirror, I only see the shell. The inside is hidden even to me. But that is changing.

Digiart by Veach

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Listening

no refererI’m a problem solver. If something needs fixing, I assess it and decide how to act up the solution. I want everything working, even if it’s held together with duct tape.
no referer
But that doesn’t work with people. Sometimes it’s difficult to know when to listen and when to offer advice. I have trouble knowing the difference. Listening can be harder work than fixing. At least for me.

One thing for sure. I learn more from listening.

I’m listening… what’s on your mind?

(anyone see my duct tape around?)

Virago

I wonder what would happen if the world finally came to its senses and decided war and power were self-destructive ends. AthenaWhat would it be like if women took leads and created an order of nurturing deeds. Would some women rise up and demand to be heard? Would they bicker and barter for their version of goodness goddesses as the best to be shared? Would we begin to see the comfort of a woman’s touch turn to brawn? Would her womb become the vehicle of a new ruling class, one of strength and control, a new kind of structure for keeping the peace?

What would the future be like if the world were ruled by a virago’s powerful, womanly clutch?

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Bubble Gum Brain

It’s been a cotton candy bubble gum kind of day.

I awoke at the crack of 11AM. I filled my lungs with fresh air. I drank coffee to freshen my groggy body. But my brain stayed foggy all day.

J and I drove out to Yellow Springs, Ohio today, about an hour away, to enjoy the season’s color and crisp, sunny weather. On the way out I felt grumpy and dull. All my thoughts were covered in a plastic film.

The occasional flaming tree among grays, browns and greens simmered by across my sight. They looked like loud street vendors hocking shiny goods for cheap. They’d pop up and scream. I couldn’t ignore them, even if I tried. They passed, replaced by others, less loud; then another, blaring audaciously. "Look at me!"

We had a fine brunch at the Winds Café. The food is creative and high quality. Not what you’d expect from a small, country town. Yellow Springs is tiny, but it’s the home of Antioch College, and so has attracted settlers from the intelligent, liberal ilk of its offspring. This is probably one of the most liberal small towns in Ohio, if not the US.

Stuffed with yummy stuff, I felt sleepy and logy. More coffee helped, but not by much. My brain felt gummy and lumpy, like a damp blanket slumped in the corner. No harm, just there. I kind of enjoyed the muffled incoherence insulating me from anything too serious.

We moseyed off to hike, the other reason we drove this direction. On the way we stopped at Clifton Mill, which holds its own timeless attractions.
saloon
I hankered for sugar and bought some bright colored, cotton candy flavored bubble gum balls. For some reason, I could relate to them, to their artificial easy flavor. Instant, empty entertainment for a boggy brain.
bubblegum
Clifton Gorge is a unique natural harbor for borderline rare wildflowers. In the flat expanse of western Ohio, it cuts deep into the earth, carved by rapidly melting glacier water eons ago. We parked near this sudden fissure in the land, and sauntered along an elaborate raised wooden path built along it’s rim to protect the area from erosion.
gorge0
The beautiful weather had brought out hoards of lookers, most of which looked like they barely knew how to walk, let alone walk much. After the flat boardwalk ended, those clumps of accidental naturalists lumbered down the craggy stone steps descending to the bottom of the gorge. We slogged behind them, smiling with them in their valiant, wheezy attemps to commune with nature. Whole gaggles of families swam in this busy stream, from toddlers to grampas, it was a wholesome kind of scene.

I heard the stream’s chuckling, murmuring speech, but it was mostly drowned out by my bubble brain babble. Sticky, jaw flapping junk stretched empty searching across a groundless canvas.

gorge2

I chewed my gum, which stuck to my teeth. Its flavor didn’t last long either, so I popped a bright new ball into my mouth every few minutes. I spat the old rubber knot over the edge of the gorge. My fuzzy mood smiled blandly that it might get stuck in some curious rabbit’s teeth.

Along stream’s banks, leaves had  brightly mottled the mossy rocks, Jackson Pollock like. Green globes popped through glittering gold.

40 minutes later we arrived at the end of this highly protected gorge sanctuary, and the beginning of a more accessible state park. A wooden footbridge finally spanned the creek.

All along this hike, the other side had remained aloof, allowing only eyes to visit, not feet. It slid by along with us, parallel to our path, matching scene for scene, but in a version without people. It was the movie remake of our hike, where the narrator along with the cast and crew remains invisible. Now we could cross over into that virgin plot.

We crossed the bridge onto the dappled stage of the leafy hall and headed a few yards up a new path. We stood there a few moments taking in the scene.

My brain stopped jabbering. I looked up. A few huge leaves fell from one of the many large sycamore trees overlooking the stream. I caught one with my eye and rode it silently as it flipped and danced with me. Momentarily, I was empty of wondering, striving or searching. The leaf landed gently down into the stream. As it floated away, I realized I had been in a foggy bubble dream all day, and the bubble had just popped.

A deeper sense of the earth held me gently as we strolled back along this sunken cathedral and back to our daily pecking lives. The fog of my cotton candy bright colored chewing gum brain had faded and cleared. Now I wanted ice cream. So that’s what we did.

Technorati tags- Clifton Gorge, Ohio, hikes, Ohio Hikes, Yellow Springs