Category Archives: Miscellaneous

My Life, without Glitter

Catharsis as Healing Release

Posted on by

I have been feeling unbalanced. Though I am relaxed physically, finally letting the warm, long days buoy me gently down the stream, I’m still unbalanced at the core. I think it’s the strange evil lurking in politics, among other things for me, the usual questions of who I am, where I’m going.

My housemate is away for the summer. (he really is my housemate, a renter of a room) But he’s about as nice as a housemate can be. I miss his sweet energy. I went into his room yesterday to open a window after a storm. He left the door open when he left. His stuff is there, but the floor is empty because he packed up his air mattress. There is no rug. The late afternoon light came in through his uncovered windows and the hardwood floor glowed, amber lit from within. I felt a pang of poignancy. Ten months had passed since he moved in. Where is my life going?

I don’t want to infringe on his privacy any more than I already have. But you get the picture. He surrounds himself with the things he likes. His room gives off the same sweet energy as he.

As I left the room, I noticed a sheet of paper with an excerpt from Middlemarch by George Eliot. It seemed to be placed right where it could be noticed. He had been reading it for the third or fourth time before he left. We had discussed it’s subtlety and depth, and I said I ought to read it. Now it spoke to me.

“But I have a belief of my own, and it comforts me.”
“What is that?”
“That by desiring what is perfectly good, even when we don’t quite know what it is and cannot do what we would, we are part of that divine power against evil– widening the skirts of lights and making the struggle with darkness narrower.”
“That is a beautiful mysticism– it is a –”
“Please do not call it by any name… It is my life. I have found it out, an cannot part with it. I have always been finding out my religion, since I was a little girl. I used to pray so much– now I hardly ever pray. I try not to have desires merely for myself, because they may not be good for others, and I have too much already…”
“God bless you for telling me!”
“What is yourreligion?” said Dorothea. “I mean–not what you know about religion, but the belief that helps you most?”
“To love what is good and beautiful when I see it,” said Will. “but I am a rebel: i don’t feel bound, as you do, to submit to what I don’t like.”
“But if you like what is good, that comes to the same thing.”

Something about that moment triggered a release. The amber light, the sweet, soft air, the aura of his room, the spiritual simplicity of the excerpt, like beams of pure cleansing light through my soul. I broke down and wept openly for a few minutes. Everything seemed alright. It was all OK. Much needed catharsis. Poetic moment.

The Write Way

Posted on by

I like to play with words, especially bad puns. But I’ve never been good at writing cohesive thoughts. Ideas come fitfully and are often clumped in numb knots, which take patience to unravel, or disappear before I grasp them. Sometimes words or phrases show up unbidden, as if to say, “here I am, where do you want me”.

I begin again with this plea for patience from anyone who reads this. I think I write here to practice writing, to carve an opinion out of words, to whittle away the drivel. But maybe it’s really to find myself, to use a well worn cliche. Constructive feedback of all sorts is welcome. Really, it is. If you think something is too vague, or pointless, let me know. (especially in my poems) I believe focused writing is focused thinking. I want to learn (or find myself) the “write way”.

Green Eyed Lady has indulged me generously with her comments. Thank you, GEL. Your perceptions have helped me dissect some of my entries.

I recently got off an anti-depressant I’ve been on for years. It’s more of a change than I thought. I feel more focused, though less able to sleep through the night. But I feel less creative. That surprised me. Good news is I’m not depressed, just more aware of my feelings. I don’t have much to say right now, but I’m sure that won’t last. My brain is probably still trying to balance after another shift in chemicals. Watch out, here I come.
—
This morning I got my first hate comment, on yesterday’s post, Emptiness. It was a laughable bit of rhetoric, but clearly intended to offend. I was about to delete it, when a response to it came in from Weez. So I dug in and backed her with my own retort. It was fun.
—
Along a different tangent, here is a proposal to claim some of Justice Souter’s land for a hotel. (in response to his decision to allow eminent domain foreclosures on private land in a recent Supreme Court decision)

Emptiness

Posted on by

Nothing in my mind but drivel. It’s too humid to think.

The trip to Bethesda, MD was a success. Sonya and Mom bonded nicely. From what Mom said in her update since I left yesterday, they’re better off without me there. Sonya’s original devotion to me was interfering with her getting to know Mom. Sonya is a pretty amazing little dog. At one point I took her out alone to do her duty, and she just stood there staring into my eyes for the longest time. She never flinched, just waited and watched. Very intense little creature.

I am outraged by most of what I see and hear in the news these days. I’ve always hated politics, but now I feel obligated to inform and defend myself. I think Carl Rove is evil. I think the Supreme Court should be fired. I think Bush should be impeached. Facts no longer matter. Truth is whoever speaks the loudest. Religion is a weapon. The holy wars are beginning. Sounds like a story line from Dune.

I want to go to a remote Greek island with beautiful men, aquamarine water, a diet of fruits and veggies, where I can space out, worship the sun and feel the timeless rhythms of the sea.

Princess Sonya Update

Posted on by

Princess Sonya will be heading East with me tomorrow. I’m taking her to Mom, where she will, hopefully, make her home. We’ve grown closer the past two weeks. She’s finally starting to relax and not panic every time I get up from the computer or go to the bathroom, as if I were leaving her forever.

We have some games now. She plays fetch with her favorite raw hide bone. It’s so cute watching her, all perky and puppy like, racing the whole 6 feet distance to the bone, pouncing, fur flopping, like it’s a huge accomplishment. And she likes to dance, twinkle toes, around my feet when I dance around her.

I gave her a bath today, and brushed the wet hair out, while she stood perfectly still. Then, as she dried, her silky hair shone, and I swear she knew how good she looked! She just pranced around showing off. Goodness, what a ham.

But I think she’s really a quiet, lap loving, regular schedule kind of princess, and that’s what Mom will provide her. Let’s hope the chemistry clicks.

Sonya the Papillon Princess

Posted on by

A dog is a very personal choice. It’s no wonder dogs end up looking or acting like their owners. That’s who choses them, usually. So what was I thinking when I decided this was the best dog for Mom? My mother is glamorous. I decided she would enjoy a small, easy going, quiet, fairly low maintenance dog, who is also glamorous. Of course, I didn’t stop to think she might have an opinion. Actually, I did stop. I got her opinion, and decided I knew better. I still think I do. But maybe not in this case. It remains to be seen.
Sonya.JPG

Papillons are sweet, faithful, easy to care for and a healthy breed overall. They are a type of Spaniel, with a little Chihuahua mixed in. So they are sensitive. This one in particular is a bit wimpy and clingy. But to give her credit, she’s also not settled yet. The poor thing was ripped from her only home and it trying to adjust to my house and life. (I’m keeping her until I can take her out to Mom next week) But clearly, as she settles, she’s becoming a princess and loves attention.

I didn’t want to pay the full price for a pure bred dog, and I had trouble finding a suitable “rescued” dog, which often have severe health or behavior issues. I wanted a small dog, so Mom could take it in the car, and fly with it in a carry on bag. It had to be a lap dog. (my decision, not Moms)

Mom wanted a Corgi, since we had had one years back and she loved that dog. Why didn’t I just go for the Corgi? I don’t know. I thought I knew better. (still do) And I thought a larger dog would be less cuddly. Maybe Mom doesn’t want cuddly. Maybe that was my preference. So far, Mom’s going along with it, for my sake, going along with a cuddly, cute, attention loving, quiet, adorable, lap dog. Hmmm! Sounds like a rough compromise…

I picked out a nice, quiet, sweet, two year old female Pap. Her owner bred them for shows and this one had a small knee problem, so she was selling it. Sonya is quiet and obedient. Quiet is important, since my sister warned me she wouldn’t be happy with a yappy dog. (my sister lives, with her husband, in a basement apartment at my mother’s house) She has her flute teaching studio at the house, and doesn’t want a yappy dog.

So this little Pap seems perfect. Only Mom is still not sure. She wanted a Corgi. Mom’s indecision is understandable, too, since this is an important companion choice for her. But I had already committed to this dog. So I convinced her to try it. We’ve all been stressed. Mom, because she’s unsure about this. My sister, because she has a cat and doesn’t want a yappy dog. I’ve been very stressed, partly because I finally realized my blatant mistake, partly because I thought I had made the right choice (and still do), partly because I had already gone through the trouble of finding a pretty good dog.

Now I realize more clearly how the personality of the dog may not be the best companion for Mom. Sonya is a princess, and likes to be spoiled. I think Mom really wanted a more independent, maybe more masculine dog. (do you get the feeling I’m a bit confused? or perhaps in denial?) I am resigned to what ever she decides. I acknowledge my shortsightedness and failure to listen. Perhaps she’ll end up really liking this little Pap. She’s going to try Sonya for awhile and then we’ll see.

I have a feeling they will be inseparable in a few weeks, but don’t tell Mom that.