The Extra Ten Percent

I jog 3-4 miles every few days. Sometimes, at the end I sprint a few blocks. Then I really feel like I’ve gone just a bit beyond what I thought I could do. At other times, I run up and down a set of stairs about half way through the run.

Both these efforts take gumption. The mental or psychic effort is difficult to muster. I tend to listen to my body, which usually tells me I just can’t do it. So I command myself to do it.

I gather a force from somewhere inside and pull it into my legs and arms, to where it’s needed to translate the extra will into body power. It’s as if I’m creating something from nothing. But I can usually conjure it, even if I’m tired. Where does it come from?

And the result is not only satisfaction, it’s a high. I’ve broken the mold of expectation, shed the skin of habit, opened up my body and spirit to new possibilities.

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Mahler and Bob

Bob the Demon: Hey Gustav, whatcha doin’?

Mahler: I’m composing a symphony. What do you think, that I’m staring at a fly on the table?

Bob: No need to get snitty. But why waste precious time on composing music for people you’ll never meet?

Mahler: Well, so I can rid myself and others of demons like you.

Bob: Hey, that was nasty. I pay you a nice, friendly visit and this is the way you treat me? Whadddd’ I do to you?

Mahler: Well, it’s not so much what you do to me. It’s what you do to all unwary humans. You haunt people all around the world with doubt, fear, loneliness, all kinds of suffering barely expressible in words; mute, frozen soul-less suffering, paralysis of spirit, guilt for just being different, judgment of those different souls. You slip open their heads and start whispering your dark messages of despair, gnawing at their confidence. You are Iago’s helper, telling Othello that his beautiful Desdemona has been unfaithful. You corrode happiness with your insidious apprehension.

Bob: Well, it keeps me busy. Otherwise I just sit around and watch reruns of “Angel” all day. That guy thinks he knows demons, HA!

Mahler: I don’t have a TV. So, I compose music I hear, what nature tells me, what people tell me, what my heart tells me. When we listen to our hearts, our fears disappear. So my music helps get rid of you.

Bob: Well, I’m a popular guy. Everyone knows me. By comparison, who’s ever heard of you? Huh? You think your music will change hearts. Dream on Gustav. You’ve been getting too much fresh air. You’re a hopeless romantic who cries after stepping on a flower. Geez, what a weak, wimpy, sissy, little nothing! (farts loudly) See, I even get gassy around you, you’re so pitiful. Nothing to work with.

Mahler: In fact, I can compose the whole worlds’ sorrow and joys and ecstasy in an hour’s worth of music. I can swallow the worlds malcontent within one symphony. I can heal suffering by exalting in it.

Bob: No Way!

Mahler: Way!

Bob: Show me. I gotta see this.

Mahler: Well, in my 4th symphony, the first movement starts dance like, in a wintry, cozy atmosphere, with sleigh bells signaling a festive, happy time. Dance is healing to humans. The movement carries you through the Alps, wisping through little towns of happy souls reveling in the cleansing exertion of dance.

The second movement is also a dance, a giddy waltz, but a macabre one. The rattle of skeletons from everyones closets is lightened by the satirical tone. The orchestra even makes fun of itself. In one spot, the second clarinet suddenly sticks his bell up and blasts out the melody, even though everyone else is playing softly. Through this movement we can smile at our fears and mistakes. We can face them and chuckle, knowing our conscience can be cleared if we did our best.

Bob: Yeah, yeah. I see everyone dancing. La Di La. But how ’bout when they get home and their loneliness comes back to haunt them? I love doing that part.

Mahler: I’ve haven’t finished with the symphony yet. Now we get to the slow movement. It starts with this sort of hymn of gratitude from the strings, with a heartbeat thumping of pizzicato from the basses, and a yearning song of thanks from the cellos at first, then from the violins. At one point the violins are floating way up high on one note, very close to the sky, while the rest of the strings stay earthbound with reverence.

At the end of this peaceful introduction, a wise old storyteller comes in the form of the oboe, someone who understands the pathos of our lives. He shows us our pain, helps us acknowledge our shared loneliness. His story carries us into our hearts to touch our sadness with tenderness. The strings pick up on this, weeping openly, which leads everyone to heavy hearted passion. We descend several times into this dark hole of desolation…

Bob: Wait a minute. You’re doing my job here. Wait’ll my lawyer hears.

Mahler: No, no. Just wait. I’ve taken the listener here for a reason. After opening up the soft pains of the heart, I bring them to a warm, comfortable room to sooth these vulnerabilities. We dance again together, with a new tenderness. Then the clouds come back, along with the oboe storyteller and his friend, the sad English Horn, and the French Horn. They tell us our pains and desolation is never far, the abyss always looming. The mother who’s lost her child, the grandmother left to die alone, the friend deserted or betrayed, all are family, all are embraced by this pain. I bring them together in their pain.

Bob: Man, these are gonna be some neurotic people. All the more fun for me to play with. He-he.

Mahler: (ignoring Bob) I bring them back to the dance, the joy, the fever of the moment. Then a circus comes through, and in whirl of frantic ecstasy they whiz by in a flurry, thrilling the listener, before they fade and disappear.

We are left with the thankful hymn from the beginning. Our lives bring us joys, they bring us sorrows, innumerable each, indescribable, complex, perfect, never old. We are lulled to sleep in this sweet gratitude. Then, a surprise!!

At the quietest moment, when all are cozy in a trance, the gates of heaven crash open, the sky blazes with golden fireworks, the boom of thunder announces the glory of an infinite place. As the fanfare dies away, an apparition appears to us, a ray through the sky, a stairway to heaven, a shimmering distortion of the air, a path of light. We are drawn upward effortlessly. As we take the first step, another curtain of sky opens, each more dreamy and crystalline, more ethereal. This happens several times. Each time we think we know where we are, the scene blossoms, as if we are stepping through time, beyond it. We finally end in ethereal bliss, with the highest tones fading gently into the distance.

The last movement is a child’s song of heaven, where delight and good food abound. It ends with a lullaby.

So, Bob, what do you think of my music?

(there is no answer)

This post was inspired by comments from Jessamyn and Betty from my post Daemons.

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My First Swimming Lesson

A story written at age ten.

When I had my first swimming lesson I was very scared of the water. Oh boy, I was shivering a lot. My mother tricked me by taking me to a fairly deep stream. We took a drink and suddenly she jumped in and swam to the other side. Surely I would not like to lose my mother. I got stiff as ever. Slowly my mother went around and came close. Then she pushed me in. I heard a loud noise like thumping. I began drifting down stream so I tried killing the water, but instead of killing it I was really swimming. Now I am king of the hard stuff as well as the watery stuff. I think I am the greatest.

Growing a Boyfriend

He’s shy and quiet.
You barely notice
his diminutive presence,
tucked away
in his modest room.
I make a date
to meet his full
potential, filling
up his stature
to please my desire.
He willingly submits
to the plan to expand
his tiny form
to meet the standards
of my expectation.
As he bathes and soaks
his dry skin softens.
Instead of shrinking
to a prune of fruit,
his body grows, and grows
as the pink, sleepy shape
wakes and thrives,
stretching to attention,
many times his original size.
The blooming presence
comes clutching a heart and flowers
and rosy cheeks radiantly
anticipating my caress.
But I tell him “Thank you,
you’re not my type”,
and continue to roam.
Though I’m flattered
I’ll have to pass
this opportunity
to date a mere five inch
piece of slimy foam.

tiny date

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Tone of Mind

I couldn’t let go
of the desire to feel
something intense
anger at injustice or
anger at not doing what I should,
using that intensity as the drug,
to hang my hat on that knobby stud,
while really immobilized by fear
of being inadequate.
Stuck in the spider net
which won’t let go,
won’t let go.
But which really won’t let go?
the web or me?

I couldn’t get my
mind around
the carnal openness,
the magnetic freedom
from the known,
the rawness,
the rage,
starting there
and opening more
to the size of suns
burning the rage
to a diamond core.

We cannot live in blame.
It is false fuel.
We must change our
inflection
from the screech
of accusative addiction
to a longer melody,
a catchy strain,
a tune hummed
inside heads
while standing in line
to buy daily bread,
a smiling tune
of forgiving harmony
to carry all counterpoints
with heartfelt sundry,
a Beethoven’s Ninth
to warm us against
the cold heart of hate.

I look for a tune to soften
the tone of the mind.

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