Straight men need to learn to relax and enjoy being thought sexy by other men. They need to open up to a very healing energy. Both parties benefit.
I really don’t see why most American straight men get so uptight when complimented on their sexiness by gay men. If I smile at a good looking man on the street, it’s a gift to him, whether he’s gay or straight. Unfortunately, most men will interpret a smile as a sexual advance, and head it off by looking away or frowning, or worse.
In Europe it’s not so bad. Most men there are more confident in their sexual skins and are not threatened by a look or a smile of all things. Any sexual tension which arises from the impossibility of returning that attraction is defused by simple acceptance. If the situation escalates, a man only has to say, “Thanks, I’m not interested.” Done with a flattered smile, it’s a harmless way to sever the misunderstanding. Most men would quickly move on. It happens all the time between straight folks.
If I think someone is sexy, and show it in my eyes, or perhaps by glancing at their body, they see it as a threat. It’s taken as an invasion of their personal space, a sexual advance. What if those same men were to just enjoy the advantage the attention gives them? What if they just soaked it up and basked in it? I think everyone wins. I’m given an affirmation, an acknowledgment of the beauty that I see in someone else, and the other man reaps positive energy from my attention.
I would never, for example, frown at or fear the attraction of a woman to me. I’m delighted for the attention. Bring it on. Tell me more!
Faced with the praise of attraction from another man, most men should be truly flattered. After all, gay men usually have pretty good taste in men!
Ah, yes. I have no problem with a gay man complimenting me. I think it’s because I am pretty comfortable with my own heterosexuality, as well as another’s homosexuality. I think those men who do take issue with it are still struggling with more than a fair share of homophobia, and a lack of self-confidence with their own sexuality. They probably simply need to grow up a tad.
The real trick, IMHO, is getting a straight guy to admit that a homosexual man is sexy … er, I mean, handsome. See, it’s very hard for the word sexy to roll off my lips when referencing a man – gay or straight. Like, I can’t say “Brad Pitt is sexy,” in a conversation with my wife. I think my saying it would even shock her, and she is totally pro-homosexual persons and rights. I can say, however, that he is a “very good looking man.” I think it might be a tad bit cultural.
At any rate, I have little difficulty with accepting compliments from a gay male.
Shawn, you are a rare bird, and all the more sexy for being so accepting of yourself and others. I’ll tell your wife personally if I ever meet her.
Even if you have trouble saying it, don’t you think Brad Pitt IS sexy?
I suppose he is sexy. I know I would buy whatever he has if he bottled it up and sold it to the rest of us mere mortals. His female problems involve Jennifer Aniston and Angilina Jolie. Seriously, if I could only have such a miserable experience. (smile)
LOL. Don’t we all!
Glitter, I don’t know how to tell you this. They’re not really men. they are prudes.
Oh yes, I know it’s their loss.
Hum… not sure I agree with all of that…
I am gay, but I don’t like being checked out by guys sometimes — there is a fine line between someone giving me an unspoken complement that makes me feel good about myself, and looking at me like some sort of animated sex toy with an optional personality. How I react depends both on how the guy checks me out, and just his relative size. It is scary for me, a scrawny little fellow, to be checked out by larger men, particularly if I am alone. I wonder sometimes if a part of straight male homophobia is a reaction (perhaps subconscious?) to being suddenly in the situation women are often in: that of realizing someone who might just be able to force the issue is sexually interested in you.
I also don’t think straght men should feel like they should be able to say they think Brad Pitt is sexy. I don’t think Angilina Jolie is sexy. I think she is beautiful, and has enormous breasts, but to me that is not sexy. If she had big pecs and chest hair on the other hand…
Taikochan, thanks for your comment. Barring the uncomfortable stare of pathalogical sexual predators, I think most people, including you, would like to be appreciated as sexy. Of course, this is assuming good taste on the part of the looker. But I also think most lookers are more apt to be tasteful if they aren’t always delegated to “leerer” anytime they enjoy the sexy beauty of another person. This goes for straight men looking at women as well.
It is not just sexual predators or spooky guys in leather — it is about being appreciated as a person not as an object. I like being appreciated as sexy, but sexy that is based on who I am not my genetic luck of the draw in when it comes to body type and the shape of my face.
Which isn’t really what you were talking about anyway… I guess I just have a very strong negative reation to encouraging anyone to find someone else sexy just because of their body in our culture where the objectification of female sexuality has lead to incredibly disturbing trends of annorexia et all. By all means find people beautiful, but does beauty really have to be something you can see walking down the street?
It’s a delicate balance we strive for: To be free and true in our expression of many subtle kinds of interaction and attraction to others, whether they be strangers or fellow passengers during a temporary ride together somewhere. I believe most of us are painfully inhibited by patterns of behavior we didn’t really create, but which we accept as healthy and acceptable because they have been passed on for generations (and certainly have weight for that reason). But, in my view, these rules of healthy behavior are not necessarily an “ideal”, if that’s what humans are striving for in the long run.
I believe youth has a gift which when shared with their elder neighbors or even strangers, (by sharing their beauty, not in a sexual way, but in an affectionate unselfish way) can grow into more balanced and loving creatures, instead of harboring and hoarding their ephemeral beauty for only a chosen few. (and I imply here that the “elders” giving out the affection or attraction be held accountable for respectful and tactful behavior) I hold that the patterns of “prudent” behavior, which you seem to subscribe to, has outgrown its usefulness to our society. We know better. At least I would like to live in a world where we know better.
When I mingle with “faeries” at a gathering, many of them like lots of physical interaction, touching, petting, hugging. I relish it, unless it turns sexual when I don’t want it, then I gently admonish and pull away. Little or no harm is done to anyone. And all benefit from generous affection. I’m not saying all society should be this loose with affection, but I think we can handle a little more than we normally allow.
When you refer to women’s’ damaged self conceptions due to “objectification” I encourage you to look further, to the fact that our society has created that schism within our overall attitudes toward sex. (the subject of how advertising affects womens and mens self perception is too rich to explore here) Taboo is quickly elevated to desirable precisely because it is taboo. “Off limits” is irresistible. What’s missing from all this fun is self respect. (***) If we denigrate those who are “promiscuous”, we denigrate ourselves, because we are all ‘naughty”, at least in our thinking. If I see someone walking down the street whom I think is cute and/or sexy, I give them a generous smile, and lots of respect. It is they who turns my good intentions into a sin, or a pernicious comeon! And if I’m told often enough I am that way, I become that way. Do you see what I mean?
The gist of this diatribe is this. If we as a society can demystify and reclaim the beauty of sex in all its forms and expressions, we will be healthier. And I can walk down the street and see a cute, sexy young man, and I can beam as him and tell him how sexy and adorable he is, and he won’t get freaked out, because we have established that we both have self respect, and that interchange reinforces that deeply.
(***)to “flesh” out these views on the paradox of prudence, please have a look at my article on the dangers of pornography and objectification and the damage it can inflict on self respect Flat Sex
Maybe there’s two pieces to consider. One is comfort with ones own sexuality. And the other may be comfort with ones own appearance. I have to say that sometimes I would be appreciated by a man whom I considered to be more handsome than me. (yes handsome, not sexy, cuz they may have different definitions) Anyway, my comf.sex is very high, but my comf.bod is not, so for me, I’d be comfortable with being appreciated. Whereas some H.S. Jock breeder from podunkia, who has a high comf.bod, but low comf.sex would react negitavely to the situation. And then of course it’s not that black and tan, there’s the individual levels of comfort and personal baggage.
I completely agree with everyones ideas that one shouldn’t see these glances of appreciation as flirts, or ogglings. I’ve been oggled for about 4 years straight, living in Japan. It’s when you’re not in the mood for it, or maybe not prepared for it. For example; everyone in Seattle knows what Capitol Hill is. And, if they go there knowingly, they play by the rules that the community has set up. Of course sometimes you get someone who’se unaware of the situation. But for those who do. It’s all good… So, while there I don’t mind. But I’ve had a couple times where the MAN oggling me has come out of nowhere, and been completely “out of context” (I’m not saying “stay in your community faggots” just I wasn’t prepared for the sudden appreciation) and I scoweled. But then he was a big boy, and did the right thing, shrugged and went on his merry way… Which was good of him.
It’s a lot more difficult than basic gay/not-gay… but I think you’ve all made some dandy points.
I used to go out with this guy that was the attraction of all gay men around. I don’t think that it was because he was so good looking, but maybe something about him. He had, what you might call, gayish tendencies, as in clothes for example.
Anyway, he loved it. He loved the attention, the affection, the everything. And I loved it too. I mean they guys who’d come on to him weren’t too subtle about and it made me feel good as well somehow. It only happened a couple of times when we out to a pub in TO’s village, but each time was fun.
I like that story, Melly. Everyone feels better feeling attractive, even to strangers.
Yes, I totally agree with melly. One’s personal confidence, and self image might play a big part in this conversation. In a way, I think it might be culturally educational for more straight people to experience same sex appreciation. If this was done politely, and with the main consideration being on the feelings of the reciever, then people might think about it more, and then this kind of appreciation would become commonplace.
I’m also reminding myself that I should also be able to do these things. I’m not restricted from appreciating another man’s attractiveness, and I shouldn’t avoid doing it. I must remember that.
(p.s. thanks for checking out my blog, i’m glad you like it.)
Juicy and thought-provoking post and subsequent comment dialogue. As a woman, I’ve noticed some of these behaviors (pro, con, and in-between) in men I know well and even in strangers. I also find it annoying when a heterosexual man who are close to me in a platonic way, feels he must advise me to be homophobic to defend myself, such as when I’ve revealed that a woman has professed interest in me. What rubbish! I’m straight and like you touched on here, I was flattered when this particular woman fell in love with me. I felt she was courageous in revealing her feelings and responded gently and kindly, not by running scared as if she had a disease. (I realize I went off on a tangent here, because she fell in love with the entire me, not casual chemistry and flirtation.)
Thanks for visiting Silvermoon. It’s always a pleasure to read your thoughtful and honest comments. It probably made a huge difference that you were respectful and gentle with that woman.
What you write is very true. I think it is unfortunate that American homophobia has become so accepted. Sexual and sexy people are just that, and there is nothing wrong with being noticed by either gender. It would be nice if more people were comfortable in their own skin and their own sexual identity instead of being so hung up on someone else’s.
I worked in the entertainment industry for many years and also in broadcasting, and this is so much more an American problem than in other parts of the world. People tend to be much more accepting and comfortable in places like Europe, Japan, and South America.
I find men good looking. I don’t find Brad Pit good looking or sexy.
Shawn “Ah, yes. I have no problem with a gay man complimenting me. I think it’s because I am pretty comfortable with my own heterosexuality, as well as another’s homosexuality. I think those men who do take issue with it are still struggling with more than a fair share of homophobia,”
I think the homophobics are afraid that they might be homo. That’s my opinion. They have to prove their straight. To themselves and everyone else.
so true… many men seem to need to keep reminding themselves of their masculinity by hating those they see lacking, as if it might slip off them otherwise.