Sonya the Papillon Princess

A dog is a very personal choice. It’s no wonder dogs end up looking or acting like their owners. That’s who choses them, usually. So what was I thinking when I decided this was the best dog for Mom? My mother is glamorous. I decided she would enjoy a small, easy going, quiet, fairly low maintenance dog, who is also glamorous. Of course, I didn’t stop to think she might have an opinion. Actually, I did stop. I got her opinion, and decided I knew better. I still think I do. But maybe not in this case. It remains to be seen.
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Papillons are sweet, faithful, easy to care for and a healthy breed overall. They are a type of Spaniel, with a little Chihuahua mixed in. So they are sensitive. This one in particular is a bit wimpy and clingy. But to give her credit, she’s also not settled yet. The poor thing was ripped from her only home and it trying to adjust to my house and life. (I’m keeping her until I can take her out to Mom next week) But clearly, as she settles, she’s becoming a princess and loves attention.

I didn’t want to pay the full price for a pure bred dog, and I had trouble finding a suitable “rescued” dog, which often have severe health or behavior issues. I wanted a small dog, so Mom could take it in the car, and fly with it in a carry on bag. It had to be a lap dog. (my decision, not Moms)

Mom wanted a Corgi, since we had had one years back and she loved that dog. Why didn’t I just go for the Corgi? I don’t know. I thought I knew better. (still do) And I thought a larger dog would be less cuddly. Maybe Mom doesn’t want cuddly. Maybe that was my preference. So far, Mom’s going along with it, for my sake, going along with a cuddly, cute, attention loving, quiet, adorable, lap dog. Hmmm! Sounds like a rough compromise…

I picked out a nice, quiet, sweet, two year old female Pap. Her owner bred them for shows and this one had a small knee problem, so she was selling it. Sonya is quiet and obedient. Quiet is important, since my sister warned me she wouldn’t be happy with a yappy dog. (my sister lives, with her husband, in a basement apartment at my mother’s house) She has her flute teaching studio at the house, and doesn’t want a yappy dog.

So this little Pap seems perfect. Only Mom is still not sure. She wanted a Corgi. Mom’s indecision is understandable, too, since this is an important companion choice for her. But I had already committed to this dog. So I convinced her to try it. We’ve all been stressed. Mom, because she’s unsure about this. My sister, because she has a cat and doesn’t want a yappy dog. I’ve been very stressed, partly because I finally realized my blatant mistake, partly because I thought I had made the right choice (and still do), partly because I had already gone through the trouble of finding a pretty good dog.

Now I realize more clearly how the personality of the dog may not be the best companion for Mom. Sonya is a princess, and likes to be spoiled. I think Mom really wanted a more independent, maybe more masculine dog. (do you get the feeling I’m a bit confused? or perhaps in denial?) I am resigned to what ever she decides. I acknowledge my shortsightedness and failure to listen. Perhaps she’ll end up really liking this little Pap. She’s going to try Sonya for awhile and then we’ll see.

I have a feeling they will be inseparable in a few weeks, but don’t tell Mom that.

Hemmed in Freedom

I’ve been blogging about three months now, since the middle of March. I’m feeling trapped, like I’ve cornered myself in some abstract corner, in an attempt to present something “high quality” rather than ruminate freely as in a semi-formal journal, which was my original intent.

Part of the problem is that I wonder if people enjoy reading what I write. Yes, I want to journalize, but I also want to write something worth reading. But that can also hamper freedom. Just as I wrote in this post about performing live, if a performance is too planned, it can become superficial, hollow. Ironically, it is a challenge to be focused and free at the same time, to structure free expression, hone it, tailor it, hem it in, without stifling it. How do I find the rhythm of my soul, that elusive vibration, to express here on these pages, without smothering it in trying?

Funny thing is, now that I’m commenting more on other blogs, I’m actually finding my ruminating “voice” there instead of here. And I love how the comments are commented by the original author. So some interesting strings develop with that interaction. All this is new to me. New and rewarding.

So, in the spirit of free flow expression, forgive me if I blab a bit, but I need to unclog the pipes, get the fresher juices flowing.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently. I am not very skilled at managing multiple stresses. My job as a performer is difficult enough, but I have been on this search committee for a new music director here, and I have been put somewhat unwittingly in a hot seat. What I thought would be an artistic search turned into an arena of political struggle from within the orchestra. I became a representative of one of the sides. I am not a political person, but I have to stand for something. So I knew I had to follow through. I did my best. The power struggle arose in the form of certain candidates being strongly supported by one faction and other candidates by another faction. I braced for a draining struggle. Luckily, the situation became a lot easier for me when a late candidate demonstrated such powerful charisma and quality in his conducting that the orchestra was unified behind him.

But the problem still exists, in the form of resistance from non musician members of the search committee. They claim he will be hard to sell, he will have trouble raising money for the orchestra, that he cannot just be a good conductor. You see, the unifying candidate is Japanese, and is not fluent in English. But he gets his point across fine, and knows how to work a crowd, has a sense of humor, and communicates magnificently through his music making.

Now here’s the part that’s going to make you guffaw. Those members who are opposed to this candidate have not even seen or met him. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is what I’m up against. If these people had been on the committees of the New York Philharmonic, they would have eliminated Leonard Bernstein before they even met him because they heard he was gay. Or the Boston Symphony would not have hired Seigi Ozawa because of his English. How absurd! It doesn’t matter if the conductor is a genius, if he will do great things for the orchestra, if ALL the musicians are united behind him (which is a miracle in itself). Never mind that the political rift in the orchestra could be healed. No, those are irrelevant details. No, despite never having set eyes on this person, never having heard his music making, never having heard his cute, charming sense of humor, no, these dissenters just KNOW he won’t work, period. Pre-judging. Prejudiced.

So we have to wait until we can see him again for those presumptuous dissenters to decide. I’m all for having them visit with him. But I fear nothing will change a mind so closed.

It’s disheartening to see things like this. I guess it’s just part of the “real” world. I haven’t given up. I plan to work on those members, trying gently to show them what the musicians have seen, hopefully using non-confrontational approaches. If I believe in what I am supporting. Hopefully, using my strong belief in the positive effects this candidate can have, I can sway them. That’s a lot of hope!

In all cases; in performance, in blogging, in politics, it’s a fine line, a razor’s edge, which offers quality freedom. Freedom without limitations is basically chaos, anarchy, a dream. The opposite is a stifling prison, communism, fear, living death. The middle road is hemmed in freedom; freedom within one’s given situation, goodness within anarchy, structure within chaos, creation from destruction, hope within fear.

The Drummer by the Sea

A drummer sits by the sea
        listening to the hollow, holy undulation
of his mother’s clock
breathing against his face, his heart-
beating a different rhythm, a
        syncopation, a duet.
He calls to her and
she answers.
        She answers as he calls; he listens
to his own voice in the waves, her
rhythm,
his heartbeat, their duet…
the drummer hears
a whisper inside his ear,
(He took his inner voice to be
                           Hers.)
"Why," s’he said, "do I feel so lonely?
We haven’t been together in a long time.
Why, in order to be together
must we first be apart?"
S’he listened and heard and relaxed and
came together and came apart: together, apart.
S’he felt the swelling of their breath,
rising, falling, like the waves on the beach,
like the rising and falling of
their body,
the air,
the day,
the night,
and their rhythms;
soothing,
drumming beats,
of the sea, of the waves,
the waves and the foam,
and the crunchy, cool sand
and their feet titillated by it,
on it, off it, on, off.
billions of grains, ancient mountains,
crumbled empires,
fallen spires,
and the timeless sea, giver and taker,
and the dark lurkings underneath,
fear giving breath to joy.

Book Meme

Stormwind tagged me with the book meme. I’ve never done this before. Thanks, Stormwind, for asking me to share this stuff. It was a powerful reminder of what books shaped me.

Total number of books I’ve owned: Reading has always been work for me, because I’m so slow. The words move around, and my mind wanders. So my library has always been spare. I use the library regularly. Then I can check out 20 books and try them on for size. When a book earns a place in my library, it becomes part of me. If I lend it out and misplaced, I mourn its loss. A good many of my books are poetry, since it’s denser than prose.

Last book I bought: I just bought Random Family by Adrian Nicole Le Blanc. It’s a vivid, novel like reportage of 80’s ghetto life in the Bronx. Love, sex, early motherhood, drugs, drugs, drugs, in a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know it was fact I’d call it pure cliche. I’ll be looking for books like it in the future.

Last book I read: That would be Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Saul Bellows 1952 review is here. This is not to be confused with THE Invisible Man by H. G. Wells. The Ellison novel was written in 1947, and it explores the complex, layered, desembodied existence of the Negro in 40’s America. The protagonist is un-named. The writing is both insightful and poetic. The structural faults are easily overlooked when a brilliant passage shows up, of which there are many. Some of my favorite parts are pure description or reflection. The plot is secondary. I returned my library copy, but I want to buy a copy soon. Then I’ll quote my very favorite passage here.

Five books that mean a lot to me:

  1. The Bhagavad Gita, which means “Song of the Lord”. Eknath Easwaran’s translation is the only one I’ve read, but his clear explanations were helpful with terms such as atman, brahman, karma and dharma. The text is a spiritual classic dating from somewhere between 700 to 1000 B.C.E. It’s teachings influenced Sakyamuni, who became known as the Buddha. The yogic approach to life is scientific, analytical, which appeals to me. The Gita is a spiritual dialog which takes place before a great battle. The conversation is between the warrior Arjuna and the god incarnate Krishna, who has taken the form of Arjuna’s charioteer. Here again, the “plot” is not relevant. Their long poetic conversation is a metaphor for the dialog in each of us, between the divine and temporal selves. I’d like to learn Sanskrit, or just listen to a recording of the original Sanskrit, just to enjoy the sounds.
  2. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Persig. I read this a long, long time a go, but it affected me deeply. The story is about his motorcycle trip with the author’s son. That didn’t interest me as much as his philosophical explorations of reality. He intellectually discerns the nature of the present, the moment, which is often discussed in Zen teachings. His theory is called the Metaphysics of Quality. Actually, Andy’s description of the book is much better than mine. I need to read it again. I read Lila, the sequel, years later. It was the same kind of book, where he continues his exploration into the nature of “quality” as the defining motive of all existence.
  3. Dune by Frank Herbert. I read the whole series in on summer. Me, a slow reader, read 6 books, each 400 plus pages, in one summer. How’s that for a good review? The world he creates is fantastic, believable, and often implies our own twisted, violent history here on Earth. I love the Bene Geserit priestesses who are wise, manipulative and very, very powerful. But even they mess up. The result is the creation of a super being, a Bene Geserit male. I found it most intriguing that, at the end of the last book (he intended to continue the saga), women run the universe. The Bene Geserits are matched with an equally powerful counterforce, the Honored Matres. Men are reduced to hard laborers and sperm carriers.
  4. The Man with the Blue Guitar by Wallace Stevens. If one single poem could be my favorite, this is it. I first read it aloud, feeling the word and rhythms, more than understanding. Like music’s notes, the meaning flows with the sound. (I’ve included a photo of Picasso’s Old Guitarist, which some say inspired the poem.) The last section is:
    Picasso, Old Guitarist

    Throw away the lights, the definitions,
    And say of what you see in the dark

    That it is this or that it is that,
    But do not use the rotten names.

    How should you walk in that space and know
    Nothing of the madness of space,

    Nothng of it’s joclar procreations?
    Thow the lights away. Nothing must stand

    Between you and the shapes you take
    When the crust of shape has been destroyed.

    You as you are? You are yourself.
    The blue guitar surprises you.

    The generations’s dream, aviled (sic)
    In the mud, in Monday’s dirty light,

    That’s it, the only dream they knew,
    Time in its final block, not time

    To come, a wrangling of two dreams.
    Here is the bread of time to come,

    Here is its actual stone. The bread
    will be our bread, the stone will be

    Our bed and we shall sleep by night.
    We shall forget by day, except

    The moments when we choose to play
    the imagined pine, the imagined jay.

    It’s about everything, the big picture and the tenuous connection between words and reality. It’s about the power of the poet. Another favorite short poem by Stevens is “Of Mere Being”. See below

  5. The last book is a toss up between Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind and Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. The Rilke letters influenced me in my twenties, and perhaps had a deeper affect. A sentence such as this is hard to forget: “…it is so important to be lonely and attentive when one is sad: because the apparently uneventful and stark moment at which our future sets foot in us is so much closer to life than that other noisy and fortuitous point of time at which it happens to us as if from outside. “

I haven’t been blogging long, so I don’t “know” many bloggers yet. I’m sending this meme to:

  1. Angela at Fluid Pudding. She’s a got a hilarious sense of absurd humor, and I’m curious what appeals to her. Her young children provide most of the material for her blog.
  2. Alex at Fictioneer . He’s a noted writer, and I’m curious what he’s put on his list.
  3. Brian at Shadow Footprints. He has a beautiful photo of an open book and glass of wine as the background photo on his blog, so I’m wondering what book that could be.
  4. Weez at Weez Blog. Weez is fun. What does she read?
  5. Guusje at On Life, Ebay, Education, Travel and Books. What more do I need to say.

There’s no obligation. Just a little nudge to tell us more about yourselves.

Of Mere Being
by Wallace Stevens

The Palm at the end of the mind,
Beyond the last thought, rises
in the bronze decor,

A gold-feathered bird
Sings in the palm, without human meaning,
Without human feeling, a foreign song.

You know then that it is not the reason
That makes us happy or unhappy.
The bird sings. Its feathers shine.

The palm stands on the edge of space.
the wind moves slowly in the branches.
The bird’s fire-fangled feathers dangle down.

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Foxglove Fairys

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We sat outside after dark
sipping mint juleps
tasting the relief of a gentle breeze
to soothe the long, hot breath of day

The light of several torches
brought them out,
the foxglove fairies.
From between flickers they flitted, translucent,
from under the bells’ pink florescences.
Looking closely,
little purple footprints could be seen,
evidence of romping at
sparkling parties
down
amongst the underbrush.

One flower
leaning close by our chairs,
peered at us with eyes
of nocturnal lilliputian romance
musing in the moonlight’s slippery rays
catching our thoughts
in platinum jars.