I ache for numbness;
then miss another, deeper aching
for beauty…poetry,
challenge and responsibility.
I want a nice, cozy cell, from which to desire escape.
My irony surrounds and defines me,
shows me freedom.
This is another very old journal entry
Succinct direct piece.
Did you ache for numbness so as not to feel as if you were missing out on experiencing life with all of its fullness? Were you feeling confined in ways or places, like by work, societal conventions, needing to be stimuated…that voice or voices deep within ourselves that we cannot deny hearing, the ones that say we must do such and such, we must take action or we’ll be miserable, no matter how hard it is to venture forth into the unknown.
Were you pondering “coming out?” This speaks of certain paths being the way to freedom in many senses for you!
I often “feel too much” …or so I”m told. Yet, if I didn’t feel then I wouldn’t be me. Accepting me has helped although I still desire escape, comfort, and love that has been yanked away from me. That’s for a poem not really here. I’m probably grasping at straws from your journal.
Again, thank you for taking the time to dwell on my meaning. I sometimes feel like an outsider, not so much from being gay as from being too sentitive. My perceptions of things, people and events are often overwhelming, blinding, like watching a war from the window of a speeding train. So a bland, numb, safety cocoon is welcome. (and rarely experienced) Also, I tend to look at both sides simultaneously while yearning for both, producing the cell of irony.
Thank you for your answer. That’s what came across in your post and what I thought. Your piece spoke to this outsider. I’m sorry for “dwelling on the meaning” as you put it (and thinking/asking too much.) I thought you asked for feedback. I shall be mum and just enjoy your wonderful site! Thank you very much for sharing your gifts.
GEL, I had no intention of putting you off. I was honored to have you “dwell” on my meaning. The time you spent thinking and writing in your comment is appreciated. I apologize if it came across otherwise. I think you are very sensitive and perceptive, and your interpretations are helpful to me. Thank you. Please continue to give your valuable feedback.
I was retreating into my shell. It wasn’t you at all. I’m sorry and wished I hadn’t posted that scaredy cat aspect of myself.
You didn’t put me off. It was my own fear of overstepping into your privacy which has nothing to do with gayness. It has to do with me receiving an email or chat message and “knowing” what no one has told me about many aspects of life. That has freaked people out, but it’s part of me.
This perception, intution, or whatever it is called, occurs so often even to those whom I don’t know like you, that it no longer surprises me, but I don’t ever want to intrude. That was me fearing I had. Thank you for your compassion. I’ll continue to comment because your writing is delicious and far better than you realize or feel !. Just email me if I ever *do* overstep. Or post it here. I’m a (petite) big girl. 😉