The insidious thing about compulsive behavior is that it seems so innocent when it’s happening. It presents itself in such a non-threatening way. It says, or you say to yourself, “I’ll just do this one little thing, and then stop”. But the catch is, you repeat that little innocent step indefinately.
In the past few weeks, I’ve been neglecting many important aspects of my life, like proper eating, exercise, practicing the clarinet (my vocation), yoga, meditation, etc. All because I kept saying “just this one thing”. Well, guess what I was doing compulsively? Setting up this site. Why? Who knows? It certainly lures me as new window through which to view the world and connect with it. It seems so easy to set up in the instructions before you install. I certainly did the research before attempting to download and install. But it made little difference. The process is fraught with detailed pitfalls, which simply take hours to fix.
At one point, I was having conversations with myself online in the help forums of Word Press, the software engine I use here. When a problem seemed insurmountable, I’d post a cry for help. Then ten minutes later, I’d solve a part of the problem, post that, then post another cry. Each time I was about to give up, I’d inch closer. Help!
And the little voice in my head just kept saying, “just a little more, you’re almost there”.
Now, three days later, the voice is stronger than ever. The sensible part of me just cowers, thinking, “he’ll stop soon.”.
Even after setting things up to my liking, there are always little details of the layout or navigation I want to fix. It’s like decorating a room. You want the color juuuuust right, and the furniture laid out in the most accesible way. For most people, this is done over time. Not me. I have been known to touch up the paint in a room while still wearing my white tie and tails right after returning home from a performance.
Anyway, I hope you check back regularly to see what compulsive poetry or other stuff I put on here. And you are welcome to post comments. Just click on the pale “comment” listing under the post. I’d like to hear that you are enjoying what I’ve done. After all, I only do it for “you”. (fluttering of lashes)