I think about trust a lot. Trust of friends, family, lovers, animals, and especially trust of one’s self. I realized a long time ago that once damaged, trust takes a long time to heal. It’s like a house of cards. It takes time to build and can collapse in a second.
Some people grow up being confident and never learn to doubt themselves. I was one of them. For most of my life, everything went my way. But eventually I got duped in love and made enough mistakes in my life to really begin to wonder when the next mistake might occur. That’s the biggest mistake of all: fearing the next mistake. It snowballs into an iceberg of low self-esteem.
A few years back I went through a period of rabid self doubt. After R left me, I doubted everything about myself: my looks, my humor, my intelligence, my morals, everything. It eventually crept into my playing. I couldn’t just quit my job, but it was hell going to work. It didn’t help to practice. Because doubt can build up even more when something is carefully learned and then you still f*** it up. It’s a higher cliff to fall off.
So I just showed up, and sort of closed my eyes and dove in. The internal judgment was painful. I couldn’t do anything right. At least it felt that way. My colleagues assured me I sounded fine. Their generosity was part of my healing.
About that time I saw Spider Man 2. (I love that movie) In it he goes through a period of self doubt during which he loses his powers. His identity crisis consumes and weakens him. He recovers by finding his way back to himself through faith and trust. He learns to trust that he is loved and needed. He learns to have faith in his intrinsic value.
It took me a year to feel a normal trust again in my playing. I still don’t really know how I got it back. I built it up over time. I just kept breathing, kept falling into the next moment, noticing that I didn’t dissapear, no matter how bad I felt. Eventually the negative voices disappeared. Now I know I won’t lose it so easily again. I know how to nurture that fragile shell we all need.
The same kind of fragility exists in friendship. I once hurt the feelings of a close friend who might have become a lover. I didn’t know how much trust and closeness he felt for me. He moved away, both physically and emotionally. Love is a soft, fragile gift. Sometimes I’m careless with other’s love for me.
I know I’ve hurt many people in my life. It’s rarely intentional. I make choices which seem right for me, but which aren’t always right for those who care for me. For this reason I work on humility daily. I usually try to err in trusting too much rather than too little. This habit pays off. Trust comes back to me. It grows slowly, like thick, soft moss in a shady wooded glen, ready to cushion me should I fall.
On a trusting note, I met a blogger friend today in person for the first time. Kelly Bell attended a family concert I played in and came back stage to say hello. It was so cool to be able to hug the wonderful person who has shared many positive words with me here in the blogosphere. Her positive energy is even more vivid up close.
Let the trust grow.
Hi David,
That’s an awesome article on TRUST.. Liked it a lot! Especially the lines:
“That’s the biggest mistake of all: fearing the next mistake. It snowballs into an iceberg of low self-esteem.”
“Love is a soft, fragile gift. Sometimes I’m careless with other’s love for me. ”
“For this reason I work on humility daily. I usually try to err in trusting too much rather than too little. This habit pays off. Trust comes back to me. It grows slowly, like thick, soft moss in a shady wooded glen, ready to cushion me should I fall.”
Simply touching and Simply perfect!
Keep writing, I’ll be back 🙂
cheers,
Rashmi
I think most of us go through some period where our trust has been betrayed. If you’re naturally optimistic, I think you’re more willing to try again, and the wound heal more easily. Quite inspirational, what you wrote. Thanks also for contributing a story at my blog.
Rashmi- Thank you for stopping by. I’m glad you enjoyed my thoughts on trust, a subject which certainly offers lots to think about. I look forward to seeing you again soon.
Garnet
Indeterminacy- Nice to meet you. Thank you for your contribution to the discussion. Optimism is a powerful tool in life.
I enjoyed writing that little story. What a fun idea to offer on your blog. I hope you do it again.
ciao,
Garnet
Hi,
I was just sittin in fronta my PC and was damn depressed..:(
But now after reading ur blog I feel Good. Thanks ur blog was a good rejuvenator. I feel depressed a lot of times, peeping upon my mistakes rather frequently, i found myself in the shadow of my agonizing past. U have written exactly just what I tried so many times to write and failed! You are a hell of a good blogger. Hats off to u buddy. I never read such a perfect blog before. Keep UP blogging!
Niranjan Mutkekar
Happy birthday, David! (Belatedly.) I hope it was a very wonderful day, and just the first day of a new year that brings you good health, much love and personal adventures of the very best kind.
Blogger is giving me fits tonight, but I think I managed to post our photo.
I had a head full of wonderful prose for the post before I went to bed last night, but for the life of me, I could not call a word of it from the attic of my brain today.
(I guess I shall leave the poetry to you.)
It was suggested to me a few years ago that the only trust you need is in a higher power- the universe, or god, or whatever you believe in. Maybe that kind of trust is easier to conjure up, I don’t know. But the simplicity of the concept appeals to me. And since humans fail us time and time again, perhaps trust in a higher power is the only type worthwhile.
Kelley- I’m sure the gist is there in your attic. Maybe it’ll pop up later. It was wonderful to meet you. I’m so glad we connected here.
Whirlingbetty- This is a very good point you bring up. Believing in the higher power also takes trust. It all goes together. Our contribution is joined and supported by our friends and loved ones, which then can blossom into a more abstract trust.
MB- Thank you for the well wishes. You are a sweetie.
Hello my darlin’ Garnet…
As you know, I have been trying to deal with this issue for some time now, and you’re right, it does take time… So I’ve decided to take a brake from my own blog. I may post a poem here and there, if I am inspired in someway, and I am hopeful that I will be…
It does take time to heal and trust yourself and others again, especially after making choices you’ve wished you never had. But, you live and learn knowing that life is not perfect and neither are any of us…
As I have written on my last post (Simplicity), “a new year, a new beginning, a new love.” I do believe in true love and I also believe that it will happen when you least expect it… And so, I plan to take things slowly and SIMPLY one day at a time…
I will continue to visit you and be inspired by your wisdom… Besides, I am your blog crush afterall… 🙂
Much love,
Yemanja
I agree with indeterminacy – we’ve all suffered the break down of such a fundamnetal part of the living experience.
Trust touches on so many aspects of being it is for me, like love, a source of much contemplation.
We have to be able to trust… have to be able to trust ourselves first and foremost and then we must dare to allow others to trust us for only then do we begin to trust others.
He. Thats a cool reply. I seriously tried to b ME and write something as I felt. Most of the times it happens that u have a particular wound which is heartin u still u cant show it to anybody. U r afraid of many things. But one should atleast give a sincere try to open up ones vault.
U have inspired me a lot. And again thx for the Blog Trust….Its just what I thought but kept in my heart!
Dear David,
What beautiful words came from your heart to your screen to us. You told the story of hard-earned trust, the only trust that really lasts, the kind of trust you feel in your soul, your feet, your being. Each time I write inside this box, I think of the trust that bloomed between us during that very first comment exchange we had, each of us careful to listen for the other’s ideas.
There’s a reason so many above say all of the things they do. It’s because we’re all glad to know someone who is the kind of person who can share himself with trust the way that you can.
lhg
Niranjan- Nice to see you again. I agree with you about Jackals response. Trust is like love. I’m glad you feel able to open up here. I hope you come back often! You’ll meet some very trustworthy people here.
Jackal- Thank you for those perceptive thoughts. I think you summarized perfectly what I was trying to express in the post.
HI Liz- Yes, I remember that first exchange. You handled my intense and divisive perspective well. Seeing the other side is an outcome of trust, of ones self and others. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s taken me longer to give myself that same benefit. Opening up here has helped.
ghl
And a lifelong friendship was formed.
Inspirational post as always Garnet/David. Thank you.
Here’s to being careful with the love others have for us…
Teri
Hi! I go through a lot of that too. Thanks for the article. I really enjoyed reading it.
Thank you Garnet for the post which enabled me to put to words my thoughts. I am thrilled that they hold some resonance.
Yemanja- Sorry it took so long to respond. You are on the right path to healing. Trust yourself. I’ll see you around, dearest Y. hugs, G
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your insightful and thoughtful journey in and out and then back into the arms of trust. Connections with others emit unique sparkle, like that in yours and Kelley’s eyes from the photo on her blog. That glow leaps through the computer screen in warmth.
(I noticed it was your birthday through MB’s comment. Very Happy Belated Birthday Wishes to you! I often wandered if Garnet was your birthstone…)
SilvermOON- It’s so nice to see you! I hope you are well. The connection we’ve had off and on here is still an important one for me. I’m feeling much more at ease about blogging in general. It’s good.
And thank you for the birthday wishes. Yes, garnet is indeed my birthstone!!