The better you know yourself, the better others can know you. The more you map your interior, the bigger the space gets. Knowing the space, you can move the walls out. Knowing what the walls are made of you can take them down. Knowing openness, your heart can fathom intimacy. Knowing intimacy is knowing love. Knowing love is knowing God. I know, lots of big leaps there. But I have trouble mapping the details. So I take the generalizations and live by them.
Today I’m not very happy. I think I have too much expectation about blogging. As one blogger once reminded me, this is not reality. But it’s easy to confuse. The blogosphere is a huge, 24/7 party, with real people mapping out lots to absorb, lots to chew on, lots to play with. But online maps are only guides, not the same as food, water, air, skin. It maps only part of you. I often forget to eat, to live.
So am I mapping something by blogging? I started out approaching this as a vehicle for my poetry, then started to feel inhibited, seeing so many great poets out there. The fun was gone. Journalizing here is not something I want to bore other readers with. I find most journal blogs uninteresting. Plus a few too many of my readers know me offline, inhibiting me further.
I came here to map myself better. Now I’m caught up in so many inhibitions I’ve lost track of anything I might have to say. This happens often with me. I try to fit in, to please everyone, get in lock step, and lose myself completely.
Posting rich material daily is not possible for me. My expectations are too high. Writing (and reading) is a struggle for me. And the higher my expectations, the lower my self-esteem. So now I feel like an idiot with nothing to say. This happens often with me.
I also have to admit, I’m disappointed by the almost flatline response to the great comment list. I emailed dozens of bloggers. The only folks who participated were (I have a feeling) instructed to do so by Liz of the Commerati. Are there so few great comments to share?
Everyone benefits from participating, with linkiness for all. Yes, I ask that people to write a post featuring a few comments from their site. Yes, it takes some time to sift through your comments. Aren’t your commenters worth it? And I take the time to read all the posts, the comments, and organize the list. End of rant. (I certainly won’t die if this fizzles out. Then I can go back to full time posting for myself)
So what is my purpose here? Why do I let so much of my wonderful real life pass in front of this computer? The answer is not a happy one. I’ve cornered myself. But turning around to face the other way is harder than it sounds. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy, with a very convincing take it or leave it exterior.
So…mapping. Today the map is wet, smudged, unreadable. And I’m hungry for something real. Ideas and words are only a finger, a sign pointing at the moon. I need to visit the moon itself for awhile.